April 1, 2016

IlovemyjobIlovemyjobIlovemyjob.

Ha.
April fools.

Dream June 19/2015

We are running from the cops because we committed a crime. We are running on a street until we see a steep hill and we decide to try and lose them but going down it. I tell him we need to cover our tracks (because there was snow everywhere) and I start to try and climb back up.
He tells me to leave it and grabs my arm to get me moving again.
We are running on a beach and I keep thinking that we should be running closer to the water, but we never move closer.
I tell him I remember a place to hide nearby.
We find a snowhill that had a cave dug into it and climb in.
"Sorry, this will be a bit cold." I say, throwing snow overtop of the entrance.
"It's fine, I just wish there was more room"
I try and pull snow from farther back to cover (and since this is a dream, 2 swipes and there is more room).
Just as I cover the last bit we hear voices getting closer. I will them to keep walking, but the boys have stopped in front of the hill.
As the one pulls the snow I piled away he says "it's the couple wanted by the police!"
We burst out of there running.
"I know another hiding place," I say.
He leads me to a trailer and we climb in.
(This trailer is like the T.A.R.D.I.S because damn it was huge inside)
I stop for a second and it was enough time to not see which door he went into. I go through the one in front of me and it is a dimly lit restaurant.
I see him disappear into the crowd and through the kitchen door. I follow.
Sneaking into the kitchen/break area was too easy, but I don't think anything of it as I keep going through the back.
I think about grabbing the uniform that is hanging up, but I know there has to be an exit somewhere in the back.
I see a door marked "employees only" and head towards it.
One of the two girls that are sitting on break watching TV asks if I'm an employee.
I think no but say that I'm new and turn the handle.
The door opens to reveal a small cupboard. Thrown off a bit I know there has to be a way out through here, so I move things around. There is a sliding door behind a set of employee cubbies. This leads to another tiny room that is used for matenance, but still no visible exit.
I move wires and things and I find a small panel at the bottom of the right hand wall and move it. Climbing through the small opening I find a tiny spot that is filled with boxes.
By this time I can hear that the TV has changed to the news, and that the cops are just arriving to the back of the restaurant.
I hear muffled questions and one girl makes a sound like she recognizes the picture they are showing her. They don't give me away, but even if they did, the cops would have a much tougher time digging through the stuff between each door, so I'm not worried one way or another.
I debate about staying in the tiny room, since it is well blocked off and I see no way out, but I know that there has to be a way out of this trailer.
I push the left wall and nothing happens. I think to myself that I know there is a way out here and slowly push again. The wall moves and I poke my head out to see that I've finally made it outside.
A quick scan of the surrounding areas tells me the cops are still inside and have not yet been alerted to the fact that I was indeed in the trailer.
Jumping out I head for the visible forest, because that is where my partner would go if anywhere.
As I run across the field I notice a truck off to my right. I think that it is too far away to actually notice me, but even so I duck into the hedges and continue to run on the other side of them.
Turns out it was a trick because just before I get to the next set of hedges a whole bunch of cops come out.
Knowing there was no way to get away from them I put my hands up before they tell me to.
-a little while later-
I'm in prison (a women's correctional facility) and just finished telling them my story.
"In hindsight I should have known it was a trick, but I'm going to go back in time and avoid it." One girl looks at me funny. "Actually I'm going to go back in time and not commit the crime altogether, that'd be the better option" they are all looking at me weirdly now.
"I can rewind time" I explain, "because this is a dream"
There is a flash, and he and I are standing in my living room.
-I wake up-

Yup. Another one of those nights

Nothing more satisfying for your ego than finding out you are not the type of someone you have a crush on. Another ego booster? Realizing that you are probably the only one in ALL sides of the family to have never been in a relationship. (Well, those of those that are in highschool or older)
Yup.
This is definitely not helping my self esteem...

I'm getting mildly sad, I know the reason but it still isn't easy.

Can someone save me from my own thoughts? I know I'm not the only person who thinks poorly of themselves, but I really don't know what else to do to stop. It works for a while, things go great. And then it all goes south for no reason.

Things for a better day.

Since I just posted a huge negative post, I am going to post a positive things in my life post.

1) I still have a job, even if it isn't the best in the world.
2) I have an amazing group of people I get to see in 9 days
3) 9 days from now I'm going to a convention full of my favorite things.
4) I'm going to teach English as a second language in the near future.
5) I have an amazing sister and nephew
6) Netflix. All the Netflix.
7) And crunchyroll
8) I graduated from a program I hated (meaning I stuck with it, despite the fact it was horrible)
9) I have parents who want the best for me, and for me to be happy.
10) my friends, even though I can count them all on my hands, they are still amazing people.
11) I wake up with a roof over my head and food in my fridge.
12) even my worst days are still better than some peoples best days, meaning I don't actually have it that bad. (There is a whole other rant for another day though)

Ban me from social media, seriously

So, here we are again.
Seems that once again I am having a shitty low self-esteem night, so I turn to the not so social media that is my blogger. I would use tumblr, but people I know follow me. I wish I could actually talk to someone, but I always here the same things, so nope.
I always say the same things though too.
Seriously, if I have to ask if there is something wrong with me, shouldn't I know that means there is??
There are days when I look in the mirror and love the person that looks back, but they are getting farther and farther apart.
Everyone says that the right person will come around when I least expect it, but I've given up hope. Not only does hearing that get annoying, but it leads me to believe that I really shouldn't expect much of anything.

I'm not trying to sound rude at all here, because really I don't want to be shallow.
When the people that I'm being suggested are emotionally hurt or something when I'm being shown them, I just want to smack a wall. I can barely fix myself, how the hell am I supposed to help someone else??

A friend tried to set me up with her friend that just got out of a relationship, and it seems that I am of greater interest to people who have been hurt (which I guess means I don't look like someone who will hurt them more) but I don't like it when someone comes across as too vulnerable because I don't feel like I won't hurt them. I don't want to be the person who breaks someone who is already hurting so please forgive me for pushing you away.

I'm blunt, I don't like to pretend that I like someone just to make them feel better, because I don't ever want someone to do that to me.

I push people away because all I've ever been is hurt, but that lead me to be cynical and basically not care if I hurt someone either.

So I know that I'm not complete. I know I push people away. I know I'm nowhere even close to the realm of perfect. That doesn't mean I want to be alone.