I'm getting mildly sad, I know the reason but it still isn't easy.

Can someone save me from my own thoughts? I know I'm not the only person who thinks poorly of themselves, but I really don't know what else to do to stop. It works for a while, things go great. And then it all goes south for no reason.

Things for a better day.

Since I just posted a huge negative post, I am going to post a positive things in my life post.

1) I still have a job, even if it isn't the best in the world.
2) I have an amazing group of people I get to see in 9 days
3) 9 days from now I'm going to a convention full of my favorite things.
4) I'm going to teach English as a second language in the near future.
5) I have an amazing sister and nephew
6) Netflix. All the Netflix.
7) And crunchyroll
8) I graduated from a program I hated (meaning I stuck with it, despite the fact it was horrible)
9) I have parents who want the best for me, and for me to be happy.
10) my friends, even though I can count them all on my hands, they are still amazing people.
11) I wake up with a roof over my head and food in my fridge.
12) even my worst days are still better than some peoples best days, meaning I don't actually have it that bad. (There is a whole other rant for another day though)

Ban me from social media, seriously

So, here we are again.
Seems that once again I am having a shitty low self-esteem night, so I turn to the not so social media that is my blogger. I would use tumblr, but people I know follow me. I wish I could actually talk to someone, but I always here the same things, so nope.
I always say the same things though too.
Seriously, if I have to ask if there is something wrong with me, shouldn't I know that means there is??
There are days when I look in the mirror and love the person that looks back, but they are getting farther and farther apart.
Everyone says that the right person will come around when I least expect it, but I've given up hope. Not only does hearing that get annoying, but it leads me to believe that I really shouldn't expect much of anything.

I'm not trying to sound rude at all here, because really I don't want to be shallow.
When the people that I'm being suggested are emotionally hurt or something when I'm being shown them, I just want to smack a wall. I can barely fix myself, how the hell am I supposed to help someone else??

A friend tried to set me up with her friend that just got out of a relationship, and it seems that I am of greater interest to people who have been hurt (which I guess means I don't look like someone who will hurt them more) but I don't like it when someone comes across as too vulnerable because I don't feel like I won't hurt them. I don't want to be the person who breaks someone who is already hurting so please forgive me for pushing you away.

I'm blunt, I don't like to pretend that I like someone just to make them feel better, because I don't ever want someone to do that to me.

I push people away because all I've ever been is hurt, but that lead me to be cynical and basically not care if I hurt someone either.

So I know that I'm not complete. I know I push people away. I know I'm nowhere even close to the realm of perfect. That doesn't mean I want to be alone.