Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Dream Nov 25/2014

I'm studying the art of sword fighting and have defeated my opponents so far. During these rounds I carefully watch how my opponent moves and study every step they take to find ways to track their pattern.
As I finish my current round I come close to losing, but one well placed blow declares me the winner of the second last challenge.
The last challenge in this dojo is to fight the owner, someone who has never been beaten. His reputation has built up as someone who, despite how well each candidate has performed, defeats each new candidate within moments of stepping in the arena.
During my remembering of his style of fighting, my mind sees all the hopefuls lined up and "cut down" as he simply glides through them. [Note: they were lined up in two rows, with enough space for him to go between them. He is running through the space with two swords, essentially representing how easily they were beaten.]
I know I am different, because I have studied each fight, and I came to the conclusion that regardless of how many people have fought with him, he never needed to use the same moves. Mostly because the longest fight was just under five minutes, but even his footwork was never the same.
Learning this didn't worry me to much, after all he was a master. But I knew I would have little time to study him during our fight.
As I walk towards the rest area, I see him and his right hand man. Going over to greet him, a custom, I get stopped short by his friend grabbing my sword. Holding the sword about level with my forehead, I wait for him to make a move as we stare at each other a few seconds. I see the smallest twitch seconds before he pulls my sword out of the sheath and I swiftly block his attempt at a floor attack using the sheath.
The Master wasn't fazed, but his eyes did flick over from his tea to observe.
I was given my sword back with an approving nod from his friend.
I bow and turn to leave.
During my brief encounter I had watch the master calmly drink and had seen the way he moves his upper body.
From across the room I watch as he gets up and walks out of the room. Studying how he moves is something that proved to me that he was already moving differently than during previous initiations.
A drum is hit and I know it is time.
I enter the arena and the spectators and other observers are silent. Knowing full well that none of the other initiation candidates are even close to the masters level I exhale and calmly take my position. He enters the floor.
Looking at him from a distance I study how he holds himself, then as he gets closer I can see that he is mildly interested in me was well, more accurately, interested in why I didn't appear overwhelmed or nervous as a majority of the previous candidates did.
I stare into his eyes and I notice a brief and tiny taken aback look in them.
The drum sounds once more.

-I wake up-

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Sigh 2.0

Once again a late night post about the crappyness that is growing up.

This time it's about how people handle talking to someone who has never been in a relationship all their life.

People always say things like "don't rush" and "it'll happen when you're ready" but after several years of having crushes that get you nowhere, it gets harder and harder to see the truth in what they say.

Not saying I need someone in my life to justify anything, because I don't.

But don't I? I was teased as a kid all the time by boys, it really sticks with you regardless of shaking it off. Makes that stupid small voice perk up when I'm not the happiest and that never helps.
I feel pretty some days, and other days I just feel like everyone thinks I'm hideous... I know I'm not the only person who feels like this sometimes, but when I get in a mood like that, it is generally when people say those "words of encouragement". To me, they seem more like a confirmation that I'm not pretty enough, or that I'm to weird to be in a relationship.
Thing is, I admit to being a complete nutter, but really I'm not that bad.
So then what else could it be? I know not everyone is shallow, but we all judge based on what we see on the surface at first, if people can't get past it, how will they know I'm a good person?

Any time someone tries to get close I raise all my walls and basically bring out the barbed wire and sarcasm armed tanks because I always question why they would ever be interested in me.
So yeah, telling me " I'll find someone when I'm ready" doesn't help, because I have been ready.
I have a pattern of falling for people who I later learn are in a relationship or are emotionally unavailable. So telling me not to rush won't help either because I didn't rush once, then he ended up with someone else.

Yeah....